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Surviving the Suicide of a Loved One
"What kind of help do survivors need? One does not 'get over' a suicide. The effects may stabilize, but the loss is forever felt. Personal values and beliefs are shattered. The individual is changed emotionally. Every survivor needs immediate support at the time of the loss. This support is generally not available, which complicates bereavement. Most need long-term support best given by other survivors. Some may need individualized or family counseling or medical care. All need help in understanding suicide and what it has done to their lives."
After Suicide...
The unimaginable has happened.
Someone you love has ended his or her life—and yours is forever changed. You have experienced a profound and indescribable loss.
We apply the term “survivor of suicide” to the experience because it accurately reflects the difficulties that people face when they have lost a loved one to suicide.
The pain and the grief that you are feeling is probably overwhelming. But hard as it may be to believe, you can survive. One hour at a time, one day at a time, you can get through this. CrisisLink’s postvention services have been developed by survivors, like yourself, and by the people who work with them. It is our hope that you will find them helpful.
Does anyone know how I feel?
Yes, more than you may realize. About 1 in 4 people know someone who has died by suicide. Each suicide leaves behind a network of family and others who must cope with the same inner turmoil. You are not alone in your struggle.
Why did this happen?
This is the question that will occupy much of your thoughts for some time. You may think you know the answer, but chances are you’re only seeing part of the picture. The motivations behind suicide are complex and often cannot be explained.
After a suicide, family members and friends often go over past circumstances, questioning things they should or should not have done. But hindsight is 20-20. If you had known then what you know now, you might have done things differently. But you didn’t know, and you’ll never know if it would have changed the outcome. Please remember—suicide is an individual choice, and that no one is to blame for this death.
What do I tell people?
Although it may be difficult to speak about suicide openly, it is important for family and friends to be told the truth. This allows you to help each other through your grief. You may choose to say something as brief as, “She died by suicide and I’m not ready to talk about it yet.”
What happens during bereavement?
There are usually lots of complex feelings to deal with following a death by suicide—feelings that may differ from those following other types of death.
Emotional responses may include: panic, feelings of abandonment, shock and disbelief, confusion, fear, humiliation, shame, guilt and/or a sense of failure.
You may also feel deep sorrow, anger, or even relief. There is nothing wrong. In feeling that a burden has been lifted, especially if the victim’s emotional battles were known. Or you may feel angry because you now have another burden to carry. These feelings are normal. Don’t deny them, as they are part of the healing process.
Physical reactions like nausea, numbness, fatigue, headaches, insomnia, or loss of appetite are also normal under the circumstances.
What if this is more than I can bear?
This will probably be the most difficult event you’ll have to face. You may never get over the death itself, but you can overcome the grief. Your hope lies in working through it. Don’t try to do it alone. There are people who are willing and able to help. For the person you lost, the pain is over. Now it’s time to start healing yours.